slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Stories taken from a local magazine:

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

Little Billy, caught in mischief for the tenth time one day, was asked by his mother, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The lad thought a minute and replied, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heavens's sake, Billy, come on in or stay out!"

The IRS received the following letter:

Dear Sirs,
Five years ago, I c***ted on my income tax, and recently it's been bothering me so much, I can't sleep. Enclosed, please find check for $35.00. If I still can't sleep, I'll send you some more.

Mountain climbers say they climb mountains "because they're there". Somebody ought to let them know that that's the reason most of us go around them.

:mrgreen:

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Haha! I love those. Here's one; My step son hunts everything. He LIVES to hunt. I asked him why and he said " the thrill of the chase". I suggested he have affairs instead. I told him " you can still mount them in the living room, but since you'll only do it when your Wife isn't home and they leave after, she'll stop complaining about all your trophies. ".

The dummy told his Wife what I said, she told MY Wife and now everybody h**es me. Geez!

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I suggest you and your step-son attend classes in either sensitivity or discretion...probably both. :shock: :lol:

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Yeah, one shouldn't tell one's Wife Everything. He thought it was funny and thought his Wife would too. What is WRONG with that boy! Haha! Now he acts like he didn't find it funny. T*****r! :hunf:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Who would have thunk it? :shock: :mrgreen:

no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

The last one is particularly funny.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

And true. :wink:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

I am fond of the Little Billy chuckle. How many times have parents, all over the world, told their children such a thing? :D

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

One would only presume that you never had to deal with such behavior from ProgenyE. :mrgreen:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

Not from ProgenyE, but our house was the hangout place. I said it to any number of others. We are directly in the middle of the block. I actually awoke one AM, after school had been cancelled for inclement weather the night before, to find two neighbor children sitting on the bedroom floor quietly watching PBS programs. Two others were in Progeny's room playing a board game. :shock: :shock: :shock:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Sounds like my home when I was raising three. :wink:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

Every Friday, I baked chicken legs, made macaroni and cheese, and cleaned grapes to have on hand to feed the crowd. It can be tiring; however, you know what is going on and have your thumb on the pulse of the kids thoughts, behavior and activities.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Busted! :-D You have seen 'Mary Poppins', haven't you? :lol:

alabuck Loc: Tennessee

This man was in an accident (work accident, not car accident), so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

Dear Sirs:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.

Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 175 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I, again, met the barrel, this time, coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope . . .

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

No; however, have heard the song. I gave you Poppins on the one word forum and you never gave back the response, Mary.