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Aunt Ida's rules for living.
Aug 5, 2014 15:48:17   #
PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.
 
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. A bad matzoth ball makes a good paperweight.
11. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
12. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.
16. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
leave.
17. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
Milk of Magnesia.
18. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
19. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
20. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.

| Reply
Aug 5, 2014 16:30:37   #
AuntiE Loc: 46th Least Free State
 
Old_Gringo wrote:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. A bad matzoth ball makes a good paperweight.
11. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
12. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.
16. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
leave.
17. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
Milk of Magnesia.
18. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
19. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
20. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. br 2. If... (show quote)


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

| Reply
Aug 8, 2014 00:57:05   #
rebecwi333 Loc: Louisiana
 
Old_Gringo wrote:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. A bad matzoth ball makes a good paperweight.
11. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
12. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.
16. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
leave.
17. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
Milk of Magnesia.
18. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
19. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
20. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. br 2. If... (show quote)


:lol: :lol: To cute...

| Reply
Aug 9, 2014 22:46:31   #
Armageddun Loc: The show me state
 
Old_Gringo wrote:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. A bad matzoth ball makes a good paperweight.
11. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
12. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.
16. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
leave.
17. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
Milk of Magnesia.
18. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
19. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
20. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. br 2. If... (show quote)


:lol: :lol: 8-) 8-) :roll: :roll: :thumbup: :thumbup:

| Reply
Aug 9, 2014 22:57:29   #
PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.
 
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final instruction.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about animal-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Could lead to dancing!"

| Reply
Aug 9, 2014 22:59:12   #
rebecwi333 Loc: Louisiana
 
Old_Gringo wrote:
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final instruction.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about animal-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Could lead to dancing!"
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with th... (show quote)


:lol: :lol:

| Reply
Aug 9, 2014 23:34:10   #
Armageddun Loc: The show me state
 
Old_Gringo wrote:
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final instruction.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about animal-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Could lead to dancing!"
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with th... (show quote)


:lol: :lol: You Dawg you :thumbup: :thumbup:

| Reply
Aug 9, 2014 23:43:50   #
PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.
 
Armageddun wrote:
:lol: :lol: You Dawg you :thumbup: :thumbup:


Here's another for you.


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, wrestlers,
etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal."

| Reply
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