rumitoid

The doctor said, "I am sorry, but it seems very likely that we are looking at prostate cancer...and it is growing quickly. Not definite of course until we do a biopsy. Rushed it. You are scheduled for 9/5."

My reaction to the news surprised me, and maybe I was in denial, but it was calming. I spent the rest of the day after work in a very peaceful meditation and review of my life. Maybe there was some melancholia, the regrets for harm done and the could-have-beens, like MaryEllen Brown. Yet maybe not. It was more a beautiful dirge, like the Adagio in G Minor: a grand and lovely sorrow celebrating having lived. All the disappointments, pain, triumphs, successes, mistakes, worries, loses, an odyssey of God's, the Navigator.

I share this possibly morbid post with you at OPP because some of you are like family to me, and, lol, you know how families can be: not a choice but a bond nonetheless, no matter how annoying or worse it can be.

Who knows what will happen? The end might be still years away. (Or never? Fingers-crossed!) It is the contemplation of death I give to you as a gift: it is very freeing. I am ready. There is not going to be any chemo. There is not going to be any stint in a hospital or even hospice. There is not going to be any search for a miracle cure. I give myself fully to the care of God.

(I knew I should never have gone to a doctor, I was just fine until I did.)

Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone

I am so sorry for your illnesses. I respect your decision and I pray that your days are pain free and lived in the comfort of your family. May your end be many years in the future.

rumitoid

Most kind, thank you. But it was more about contemplating our own death than me. It can be freeing. That was the purpose of the thread.

Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone

Being Jewish, I do not worry about the end of my physical body. It will one day stop, be buried and return to the earth. What matters is how I comport myself daily. No doubt, when my end approaches I will may have a few regrets....but, I doubt it. There will be few, if any, hours spent wishing my life had been different. So, although I feel sad for your diagnosis, I can not emphasize with your emotional transformation to accepting being mortal.

Radiance3

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I feel very sorry hearing all this Rumi. I hope and pray miracle heals. I know we had some differences in politics but overall, your faith in God made me admire you for your love for Him. Our journey here is temporary. With our faith, we know that better life awaits us with God. But I hope and pray, you'll get better, so you could still be with us for a longer time. The Lord loves you. May the healing of God, be on your way. Hope you'll feel better.

rumitoid

Believing something and experiencing something are entirely different things. Yes, you may "not worry about the end of my physical body." I do not either. Yet truly grasping my own demise, leaving loved ones, the sun and air and doing really helps bring a peace beyond measure. As you have never really understood me, I think I get "I can not emphasize with your emotional transformation to accepting being mortal." No doubt "emphasize" was meant to be empathize." No matter, either way you misunderstood.

rumitoid

Very beautiful, thank you. But I wonder about healing or being a lucky survivor that we give to God. Why? Seems like rejection, lol. Of course it is his plan. Like I said in my thread (which no one commented on), he is the Navigator of our lives.

Radiance3

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Now I understand why sometimes you seem to doubt and confused about God's love for you. Don't be. Just have faith.
Hebrews 11:1: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
God loves all of us. And remember this: Matthew 22:37
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.

God loves us even when He take us early in life. With faith we understand why. I notice that there are so many bad people in this world who live so long. And there are very good people who die young. Why? Because we are not of the world. There is more beautiful life waiting for us there. And there are times God wants us to stay longer. Perhaps for a purpose. We can only understand the wisdom of God when there is faith. And with that, it gives us peace and assurance that God loves us.

I'll give you a story about my life how I come to believe that God loves us. About two month ago, I had chronic pain in my right hip and the area around it. It lingered for awhile. Very difficult for me to move around to do things. Several years when my young husband died in Vietnam, I never got married again. But with faith in God, I became stronger. But now with this pain I recently got, I cried to God. I asked the Lord to heal me so I could take care of myself, and continue serving Him and others.
Went to the doctor ones. But the medication helped very little. I
cried again to God asking for help. And you know what? Since last week, my pain is gone. Miracle, I don't have it anymore. Praise God. I can again do all the things I used to do. And I don't have the pain. Wake up every morning I pray before I get up. Get to bed in the evening, I pray and I sleep well. That is my faith. And I also pray you'll feel better and hoping don't have to suffer in pain. God said, love one another as I love you. John 13:34.
God is love! May God bless and be with you always.

rumitoid

As usual you twisted what I said.

Radiance3

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Don't lose hope Rumi. I know a friend of my husband, they served together, though he came home. He had that problem same as yours. That was in the early 90's. And now, he is still okay. Him and his wife, still visit me every Christmas.

Please go and ask the doctor all possible means to treat that. Medical science has advanced cures for those problems. There are many ways, surgery could remove to prolong your life to be with your family. So, don't lose hope. Always pray like a little child. Without my husband to help me, I prayed and cried like a little child and I am healed. Praise God. God loves you also.

rumitoid

Here is my miracle story and another how I met Jesus...in person. Thank you for sharing your testimony. Truly wonderful.

On 2/5, I checked into urgent care with shortness of breath and within ten minutes I was in an ambulance to emergency care, then into ICU: systolic heart failure and A-Fib. A nurse said that I was more than lucky to be alive. I had stents put in and left the hospital on 2/9. For three months, up until May 3rd, I was barely functional. Walking twenty feet was a feat that left me panting and needing to rest. Doing ordinary chores, like washing dishes, had to be done in shifts. My appetite was near zero.

I was at Walmart grocery shopping and needed the electric cart on 5/3. My friend Thomas had taken me because I could not drive. I was done shopping when he decided to get wings from the Deli. There we happened to run into Darryl, a fundamentalist Christian most, including me, found overbearing in his beliefs. Thomas told him about my health problems. He put hands on me and prayed for healing. That night my appetite and energy returned--without any shortness of breath. And that problem did not return. The difference was dramatic.

When I was seven years old, I drowned in the surf of Rockaway Beach, Queens. It was wonderful. I found myself in this golden pool of light and felt myself slowly rotating until I could see the sun. But it was not the sun to me: it was my father. His love and peace filled me, as if I was his long lost child. Jesus came to smile at the reunion. Then this shape came into view, reaching down for me, flabby arms coming closer, zinc oxide on her nose, black bathing suit and white bathing cap. In my mind, I was frantically tryng to tell her I was fine, no problem, leave me alone.

The next thing I wake up on the beach, Chris McNulty, a local firemen and friend of my older brother, smiling down at me. And then my German mother (important to emphasize that) came up and started to berate me and hug me and kiss me and yell at me. Forget about when I tried to tell her I was fine underwater. Then I said, "When I saw Mrs. Conmy reaching down for me--" Slap! "Don't lie," she said, "you were found floating face down. Don't think that way." And a fierce hug.

rumitoid

Radiance, as I have tried to make clear, I find no room for hope. If I live or die is in God's hands. Cure or no cure, his decision. I have never doubted his loving existence since I was seven. Hope is a total enigma to me, I just can't see why it exists in a Christian.

Radiance3

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Then you have that deep faith in God. You have encountered many God's miracles. Peace be with you.

Radiance3

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Thank you for sharing. Those are beautiful and dramatic events how God loves you. He always have plans for us.

rumitoid

Even calling it faith diminishes how I see God.