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Feb 9, 2019 12:15:02   #
badbobby (a regular here)
 
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through London.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of England's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken soup, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, shitting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep shitting. I was thinking, 'What if I shit on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep...
At first I was pissed off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too hammered to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ..


On the subject of Colonoscopies....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Lord Lucan yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Glasgow, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Lehman’s Bank, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'



















































































...

[

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 12:24:58   #
Wonttakeitanymore (a regular here)
 
Very funny! You are a gem

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 13:38:54   #
bahmer (a regular here)
 
badbobby wrote:
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through London.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of England's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken soup, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, shitting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep shitting. I was thinking, 'What if I shit on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep...
At first I was pissed off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too hammered to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ..


On the subject of Colonoscopies....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Lord Lucan yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Glasgow, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Lehman’s Bank, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


Colonoscopy Journal: br br I called my friend An... (show quote)


All of them are good ones there badbobby thanks for the laughs.

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 14:07:15   #
badbobby (a regular here)
 
bahmer wrote:
All of them are good ones there badbobby thanks for the laughs.

having had three of them things
and having awakened right in the middle of one
(I thought I was gonna bust wide open)
I consider my self an expert on the subject
never more for me


| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 14:22:39   #
bahmer (a regular here)
 
badbobby wrote:
having had three of them things
and having awakened right in the middle of one
(I thought I was gonna bust wide open)
I consider my self an expert on the subject
never more for me

having had three of them things br and having awak... (show quote)


Haven't had any of those things because it would interfere with my seizure medicine.

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:08:19   #
slatten49 (a regular here)
 
You got'ta be shi**ing me, BB I could'a gone forever without reliving that horrific experience.

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:10:34   #
slatten49 (a regular here)
 
Wonttakeitanymore wrote:
Very funny! You are a gem

Oh yeah Well, a diamond 'in the rough' is often likened to a lump of coal.

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:26:49   #
archie bunker (a regular here)
 
badbobby wrote:
having had three of them things
and having awakened right in the middle of one
(I thought I was gonna bust wide open)
I consider my self an expert on the subject
never more for me

having had three of them things br and having awak... (show quote)


Go test drive a barium enema! Had one of those about 30 years ago. I was a young badass, and had the world by the tail......I thought.
Those medical people taught me differently.
The prep is about the same, but they didn't put me to sleep. They cram a tube up your ass with a balloon on the end of it that they air up so you don't spit out the tube. Then they pump about 20 gallons of white liquid along with enough air to float an aircraft carrier into your guts. Then they flip, and flop you to get the liquid around all of the curves with the tube in your butt the whole time. Then they flip, and flop you some more while taking x-rays. Then, they deflate the basketball sized balloon, pull out the tube, and hold a pan under you for the initial rush. After that you go to the bathroom to allegedly finish up.
On the ride home, I felt like I was going to explode, and crap everywhere. Got home, made it to the toilet, and blew out the longest, and loudest fart in history.

I don't even remember what it was now they found. Some sort of an 'itis' that they gave me a prescription for.

A thoroughly miserable experience!

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:38:30   #
slatten49 (a regular here)
 
archie bunker wrote:
Go test drive a barium enema! Had one of those about 30 years ago. I was a young badass, and had the world by the tail......I thought.
Those medical people taught me differently.
The prep is about the same, but they didn't put me to sleep. They cram a tube up your ass with a balloon on the end of it that they air up so you don't spit out the tube. Then they pump about 20 gallons of white liquid along with enough air to float an aircraft carrier into your guts. Then they flip, and flop you to get the liquid around all of the curves with the tube in your butt the whole time. Then they flip, and flop you some more while taking x-rays. Then, they deflate the basketball sized balloon, pull out the tube, and hold a pan under you for the initial rush. After that you go to the bathroom to allegedly finish up.
On the ride home, I felt like I was going to explode, and crap everywhere. Got home, made it to the toilet, and blew out the longest, and loudest fart in history.

I don't even remember what it was now they found. Some sort of an 'itis' that they gave me a prescription for.

A thoroughly miserable experience!
Go test drive a barium enema! img src="https://st... (show quote)

Gee, Arch , thanks for sharing yet another miserable experience. I call it a tie

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:51:52   #
badbobby (a regular here)
 
slatten49 wrote:
You got'ta be shi**ing me, BB I could'a gone forever without reliving that horrific experience.


are you sayin you are just a pile of it and shi++able

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:53:32   #
lpnmajor (a regular here)
 
archie bunker wrote:
Go test drive a barium enema! Had one of those about 30 years ago. I was a young badass, and had the world by the tail......I thought.
Those medical people taught me differently.
The prep is about the same, but they didn't put me to sleep. They cram a tube up your ass with a balloon on the end of it that they air up so you don't spit out the tube. Then they pump about 20 gallons of white liquid along with enough air to float an aircraft carrier into your guts. Then they flip, and flop you to get the liquid around all of the curves with the tube in your butt the whole time. Then they flip, and flop you some more while taking x-rays. Then, they deflate the basketball sized balloon, pull out the tube, and hold a pan under you for the initial rush. After that you go to the bathroom to allegedly finish up.
On the ride home, I felt like I was going to explode, and crap everywhere. Got home, made it to the toilet, and blew out the longest, and loudest fart in history.

I don't even remember what it was now they found. Some sort of an 'itis' that they gave me a prescription for.

A thoroughly miserable experience!
Go test drive a barium enema! img src="https://st... (show quote)


We called that tube the "silver stallion" ( you can guess why ), and the enema was referred to as "white water rafting".

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:53:53   #
badbobby (a regular here)
 
slatten49 wrote:
Oh yeah Well, a diamond 'in the rough' is often likened to a lump of coal.

mad cause you cain't get a compliment Slat??


| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 15:56:19   #
badbobby (a regular here)
 
archie bunker wrote:
Go test drive a barium enema! Had one of those about 30 years ago. I was a young badass, and had the world by the tail......I thought.
Those medical people taught me differently.
The prep is about the same, but they didn't put me to sleep. They cram a tube up your ass with a balloon on the end of it that they air up so you don't spit out the tube. Then they pump about 20 gallons of white liquid along with enough air to float an aircraft carrier into your guts. Then they flip, and flop you to get the liquid around all of the curves with the tube in your butt the whole time. Then they flip, and flop you some more while taking x-rays. Then, they deflate the basketball sized balloon, pull out the tube, and hold a pan under you for the initial rush. After that you go to the bathroom to allegedly finish up.
On the ride home, I felt like I was going to explode, and crap everywhere. Got home, made it to the toilet, and blew out the longest, and loudest fart in history.

I don't even remember what it was now they found. Some sort of an 'itis' that they gave me a prescription for.

A thoroughly miserable experience!
Go test drive a barium enema! img src="https://st... (show quote)

the Dr musta had it in for you Arch
I was put to sleep all three times
it was the third one that was the charm

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 16:03:54   #
archie bunker (a regular here)
 
slatten49 wrote:
Gee, Arch , thanks for sharing yet another miserable experience. I call it a tie


You slept through yours...

| Reply
Feb 9, 2019 16:10:43   #
archie bunker (a regular here)
 
lpnmajor wrote:
We called that tube the "silver stallion" ( you can guess why ), and the enema was referred to as "white water rafting".


Do they still do that?

They could use that one to interrogate terrorists instead of waterboarding, and call it 'healthcare'!

| Reply
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