G****l W*****g Cultists Incite Violence against Skeptical President
It might be time to consider amending that whole “Freedom of Religion” thing in America. The Democrat Party’s weird, apocalyptic weather cult is now inciting violence against President Trump. The president’s crime, of course, is that he belongs to a different religion. Instead of bowing down to Pope Gore, President Trump practices a dwindling faith known as “Reality.”
America’s founders were able to solve the religious differences between various sects of Christianity with the First Amendment. They decided that Baptists and Methodists could be prevented from throwing rocks at each other by talking and respecting each other’s religious differences. But what happens when the Cult of G****l W*****g is diametrically opposed to the Church of Reality? There doesn’t seem to be any way to bridge that gap.
One of the biggest proponents of this strange weather cult, which is terrified of what the weather will be like a hundred years from now, is CNN. In a recent panel, they encouraged their followers to murder the President of the United State for his lack of faith in their prophecies.
CNN started out by declaring President Trump a heretic: “He does not believe that c*****e c****e is at all man made, contributed to by humans.” For those who don’t remember, ‘c*****e c****e’ is the term for the weather predictions that the cultists use these days. Back in the 1990s, when Al Gore was appointed their pope, the cultists referred to it as ‘g****l w*****g.’ (And before that, it was the ‘Impending Ice Age.’).
Rather than flip-flopping between the doctrines of super-hot-any-day-now and super-cold-any-day-now, the cult settled on the term ‘C*****e C****e’ as a blanket term to describe their bizarre beliefs. That way, if there’s an annual hurricane in Florida, or a typical snowstorm in New York, or the Mississippi floods, or an i*****l a***n sets a massive wildfire in California, they can point and declare that their bizarre beliefs are true: C*****e C****e!
To counteract the impending weather-pocalypse, members of the cult recycle their milk jugs and eschew deodorant. Stop laughing! It’s not nice to pick on people’s religion!
Having established that President Trump is a heretic, former Obama administration official Jim Sciutto announced CNN’s guest. We know what you’re thinking: Man, this is getting good! What super-scientist with multiple doctorates in meteorology and climate science is CNN going to bring on to pass judgment on President Trump’s non-belief?
Sciutto introduced Andrea Dutton, a noted expert from the University of Florida. Ms. Dutton is an associate professor of… geology.
“You are the expert here,” Sciutto intoned.
If you thought that the Climate News Network (CNN) was going to introduce some expert on weather or climate science, you obviously don’t understand how the G****l W*****g cult operates. Actual knowledge or training in science or weather are not prerequisites for being a designated g****l w*****g evangelist.
For example, in noted believer Leonardo DiCaprio’s g****l w*****g “documentary,” one of his biggest experts in the film was a batty landscape architect from Montana.
Keep that in mind the next time the g****l w*****g cult tells you that tens of gajillions of “scientists” have reached a “consensus” that it’s hot or cold outside. They define “scientist” loosely to include people whose expertise includes telling rich liberals where to plant shrubs in their yard to best enhance their chi. Scientific knowledge doesn’t matter to these people – it’s their faith in the cause that is most important.
Noted climate expert Dutton, professor of rocks and dirt, informed the Climate News Network that Heretic Trump is wrong and that very scary, “near-term” things are going to happen because Trump is such an awful, awful skeptic of their religion.
Proving that she is a real scientist and not some weirdo, Professor Dutton declared that the “fingerprints of carbon dioxide” are everywhere. Eek! Are those worse than carbon footprints? You’d better scrub your entire home with an environmentally-friendly cleaning product to get rid of those invisible fingerprints of carbon dioxide. And don’t forget to recycle your milk jugs.
Jim Sciutto then encouraged the viewers at home to murder the president:
“Let me ask the question for folks at home,” Sciutto oh-so-innocently stated. “We have kids. We don’t want to be slowly burned to death on our own planet here. Is the human race running, in simplest terms, running out of time to take the measures necessary to rein in this rise in global temperatures?”
How does an inciting question like this not garner a visit from the Secret Service? We are running out of time… All of the children in the world will burn to death (slowly!) if we don’t take the “necessary measures” …
You know, it’s just too bad that all of your kids are going to die because of President Trump. If only President Trump were out of the way, we might be able to save your kids from slowly burning to death, or from drowning when the oceans rise up and swallow your city. Which will happen any day now but maybe a hundred years in the future or some other time. The science is settled but somehow inexact.
And in case you’re wondering whether these dangerous cultists are really “out there,” last week the Climate News Network dev**ed an interminable segment to discussing how American consumption of hamburgers is going to k**l us all… because eating hamburgers causes g****l w*****g.
How do you bridge the gap between the g****l w*****g cultists and the Church of Reality? Here’s an idea. What is the single largest group of dirty individual polluters in the Western hemisphere, which frequently causes dangerous wildfires and believes that the term “disposable diapers” means you can just throw them on the ground? That’s right: I*****l a***ns!
So, here’s the deal, g****l w*****g true believers. You promise to dev**e all of your current fervor toward demanding and lobbying for a wall on our southern border, to keep all of those bipedal g****l w*****g causers out of America and thereby reducing the fingerprints of carbon dioxide. If you do that until Congress caves and builds the wall, we will be so grateful that we all promise to not eat hamburgers and to recycle our milk jugs. Pinky swears!
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