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Wednesday's Humor
Mar 19, 2014 03:53:57   #
Happy J
 
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today for humor..

Little Johnny asks:- Daddy, how was I born?- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 05:49:41   #
Blue Flu Loc: HHI
 
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked
to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..... "Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?" Dwayne, way in the back raises his hand. The
professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this
lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the
professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
SHOOT!!.....From way back there, I thought you said "GOATS!"

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 10:15:40   #
Loki Loc: Georgia
 
Happy J wrote:
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today for humor..

Little Johnny asks:- Daddy, how was I born?- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today f... (show quote)


Clean humor. I didn't know there still was such a thing. Good job. Kinda funny too.

Reply
 
 
Mar 19, 2014 11:47:32   #
skott Loc: Bama
 
Blue Flu wrote:
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked
to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..... "Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?" Dwayne, way in the back raises his hand. The
professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this
lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the
professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
SHOOT!!.....From way back there, I thought you said "GOATS!"
A professor at the University of Alabama was givin... (show quote)


Hah! and LOL.

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 11:48:14   #
Happy J
 
Loki wrote:
Clean humor. I didn't know there still was such a thing. Good job. Kinda funny too.


Just to keep it going, and with appreciation for your nice comment:

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You v**e people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you v**ed for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A C*******T: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A F*****T: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 11:59:32   #
skott Loc: Bama
 
Happy J wrote:
Just to keep it going, and with appreciation for your nice comment:

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You v**e people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you v**ed for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A C*******T: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A F*****T: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Just to keep it going, and with appreciation for y... (show quote)


love the Chinese and Arkansas cows.

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 12:00:27   #
Happy J
 
skott wrote:
love the Chinese and Arkansas cows.


Thanks! :lol: :lol:

Reply
 
 
Mar 19, 2014 14:54:18   #
Loki Loc: Georgia
 
skott wrote:
love the Chinese and Arkansas cows.


Keep them coming!

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 16:32:57   #
Blue Flu Loc: HHI
 
Italian Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family
doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know
use 3 things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things,
doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on
your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the
other ball blue. If she says, "that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen, you hit her with the shovel.'

Reply
Mar 19, 2014 16:46:50   #
Loki Loc: Georgia
 
Blue Flu wrote:
Italian Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family
doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know
use 3 things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things,
doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on
your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the
other ball blue. If she says, "that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen, you hit her with the shovel.'
Italian Virginity Test Kit br br Mario is planni... (show quote)


I thought that was funny. Should I be worried?

Reply
Mar 20, 2014 12:50:28   #
bahmer
 
Happy J wrote:
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today for humor..

Little Johnny asks:- Daddy, how was I born?- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today f... (show quote)


Welcome back and please stay. Don't let those sniveling cowards run you off as you are really welcome here.

Reply
 
 
Mar 20, 2014 13:29:39   #
Loki Loc: Georgia
 
bahmer wrote:
Welcome back and please stay. Don't let those sniveling cowards run you off as you are really welcome here.


Ditto.

Reply
Mar 20, 2014 20:07:56   #
BearK Loc: TN
 
Happy J wrote:
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today for humor..

Little Johnny asks:- Daddy, how was I born?- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
Again with respect to AuntiE, if I may use today f... (show quote)


Your joke reminded me of one I heard recently: THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

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Mar 20, 2014 20:13:21   #
Loki Loc: Georgia
 
Happy J wrote:
Thanks! :lol: :lol:


Now you have to top the corporation joke. THAT was good!

Reply
Mar 21, 2014 07:15:44   #
BearK Loc: TN
 
This isn't a joke, though it may sound like one:
My cousin was about two years old, and he would swear like a trooper. His mother told him to do something, and he swore at her. She warned him, "You swear at me again, & I'll wash your mouth out with soap." Naturally, he swore at her. She did exactly what she had threatened to do. When he quite spitting, he looked up at her and said, "You didn't have to use so damn much soap did you?"

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