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Mar 12, 2014 00:44:55   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
I am bored, so I have found somethings that made me laugh, I thought I would share them.

More than 600 people in California wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this s**m made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you i***t!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Sacramento, Ca, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 00:54:25   #
Floyd Brown Loc: Milwaukee WI
 
ginnyt wrote:
I am bored, so I have found somethings that made me laugh, I thought I would share them.

More than 600 people in California wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this s**m made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you i***t!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Sacramento, Ca, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
I am bored, so I have found somethings that made m... (show quote)


Thank you a lite touch was just what I needed.

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:00:49   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
Floyd Brown wrote:
Thank you a lite touch was just what I needed.

And my family says that I do not have a sense of humor.

I am glad you got the humor, really. We all need to just laugh every once in awhile!

Reply
 
 
Mar 12, 2014 01:10:09   #
Blue Flu Loc: HHI
 
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry....

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:12:45   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
Blue Flu wrote:
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry....

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a ph... (show quote)


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

That is funny! Thank you!!!!!

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:16:00   #
cesspool jones Loc: atlanta
 
Blue Flu wrote:
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry....

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a ph... (show quote)

you are good!
:D :thumbup: :D :thumbup: :D :thumbup: :D :thumbup:

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:19:52   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
cesspool jones wrote:
you are good!
:D :thumbup: :D :thumbup: :D :thumbup: :D :thumbup:


Your turn Mr. Jones. Do you have one for us?

Reply
 
 
Mar 12, 2014 01:30:21   #
Blue Flu Loc: HHI
 
One more:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules
when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.....+1




You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows....0



You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets................... -1


You leave the toilet seat
up.................................. -5


You replace the toilet paper roll when it is
empty............0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex... -1


When the Kleenex runs out you use the next
bathroom........... -2


You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with
wings.....+5

in the
snow...............+8

but return with
beer...................................... -5
and no
liners............................................. -25


You check out a suspicious noise at
night.....................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
nothing............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……..+5


You pummel it with a six
iron.................................+10

It's her
cat.................................................. -40

AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire
party.........................0

You stay by her side initially, then leave to chat with a
college drinking
buddy........................................ -2


named
Tiffany............................................. -4


tiffany is a
dancer....................................... -10


with breast
implants...................................... -18

HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her
birthday.................0

You buy a card and
flowers....................................0


You take her out to
dinner................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports
bar...........+1

okay, it is a sports
bar................................... -2


And it's all-you-can-eat
night............................. -3


It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite
team......... -10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a
pal......................0

The pal is happily
married...................+1

The pal is
single............................................. -7


He drives a
Ferrari........................................... -10


with a personalized license plate
(GR8NBED)............... -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a
movie......................... +2


You take her to a movie she
likes.........+4

You take her to a movie you
h**e...............+6

You take her to a movie you
like.............................. -2


It's called Revenge of Death Cop .....-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat
humans..................... -9


You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans...... -15




Your Physique:




You develop a noticeable pot
belly.............................. -15


You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it..+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts…………………..-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one
too.".............. -800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in
responding................................... -10


You reply,
"Where?".......................................... -35


You reply, "No, I think it's your
ass"....................... -100


Any other
response........................................... -20



COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned
expression.......................0

You listen, for over 30
minutes.......................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar
experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying:
"well, what do you think I should
do"........................... -50


You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV...+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen
asleep............. -200

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:37:17   #
cesspool jones Loc: atlanta
 
ginnyt wrote:
Your turn Mr. Jones. Do you have one for us?

i use`ta write songs back in the late 60's. of course, i got screwed in royalties because the recipriantes of my songs would change one word or phrase. for instance i gave carlos santana 'pot-bellied woman' but as we all know, that got changed to 'black magic woman.' i wrote 'a horse with no joint' but as you can see, the band that did that song also screwed me. many others...to no avail.

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:48:49   #
cesspool jones Loc: atlanta
 
Blue Flu wrote:
One more:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules
when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.....+1




You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows....0



You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets................... -1


You leave the toilet seat
up.................................. -5


You replace the toilet paper roll when it is
empty............0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex... -1


When the Kleenex runs out you use the next
bathroom........... -2


You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with
wings.....+5

in the
snow...............+8

but return with
beer...................................... -5
and no
liners............................................. -25


You check out a suspicious noise at
night.....................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
nothing............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……..+5


You pummel it with a six
iron.................................+10

It's her
cat.................................................. -40

AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire
party.........................0

You stay by her side initially, then leave to chat with a
college drinking
buddy........................................ -2


named
Tiffany............................................. -4


tiffany is a
dancer....................................... -10


with breast
implants...................................... -18

HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her
birthday.................0

You buy a card and
flowers....................................0


You take her out to
dinner................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports
bar...........+1

okay, it is a sports
bar................................... -2


And it's all-you-can-eat
night............................. -3


It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite
team......... -10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a
pal......................0

The pal is happily
married...................+1

The pal is
single............................................. -7


He drives a
Ferrari........................................... -10


with a personalized license plate
(GR8NBED)............... -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a
movie......................... +2


You take her to a movie she
likes.........+4

You take her to a movie you
h**e...............+6

You take her to a movie you
like.............................. -2


It's called Revenge of Death Cop .....-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat
humans..................... -9


You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans...... -15




Your Physique:




You develop a noticeable pot
belly.............................. -15


You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it..+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts…………………..-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one
too.".............. -800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in
responding................................... -10


You reply,
"Where?".......................................... -35


You reply, "No, I think it's your
ass"....................... -100


Any other
response........................................... -20



COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned
expression.......................0

You listen, for over 30
minutes.......................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar
experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying:
"well, what do you think I should
do"........................... -50


You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV...+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen
asleep............. -200
One more: br br For thousands of years, men have ... (show quote)


the best part!! most people don't even know this iz goin` on!!!

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 01:58:11   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
cesspool jones wrote:
i use`ta write songs back in the late 60's. of course, i got screwed in royalties because the recipriantes of my songs would change one word or phrase. for instance i gave carlos santana 'pot-bellied woman' but as we all know, that got changed to 'black magic woman.' i wrote 'a horse with no joint' but as you can see, the band that did that song also screwed me. many others...to no avail.


:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Thank you! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Reply
 
 
Mar 12, 2014 01:58:55   #
Boo_Boo Loc: Jellystone
 
Blue Flu wrote:
One more:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules
when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.....+1




You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows....0



You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets................... -1


You leave the toilet seat
up.................................. -5


You replace the toilet paper roll when it is
empty............0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex... -1


When the Kleenex runs out you use the next
bathroom........... -2


You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with
wings.....+5

in the
snow...............+8

but return with
beer...................................... -5
and no
liners............................................. -25


You check out a suspicious noise at
night.....................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
nothing............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……..+5


You pummel it with a six
iron.................................+10

It's her
cat.................................................. -40

AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire
party.........................0

You stay by her side initially, then leave to chat with a
college drinking
buddy........................................ -2


named
Tiffany............................................. -4


tiffany is a
dancer....................................... -10


with breast
implants...................................... -18

HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her
birthday.................0

You buy a card and
flowers....................................0


You take her out to
dinner................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports
bar...........+1

okay, it is a sports
bar................................... -2


And it's all-you-can-eat
night............................. -3


It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite
team......... -10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a
pal......................0

The pal is happily
married...................+1

The pal is
single............................................. -7


He drives a
Ferrari........................................... -10


with a personalized license plate
(GR8NBED)............... -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a
movie......................... +2


You take her to a movie she
likes.........+4

You take her to a movie you
h**e...............+6

You take her to a movie you
like.............................. -2


It's called Revenge of Death Cop .....-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat
humans..................... -9


You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans...... -15




Your Physique:




You develop a noticeable pot
belly.............................. -15


You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it..+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts…………………..-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one
too.".............. -800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in
responding................................... -10


You reply,
"Where?".......................................... -35


You reply, "No, I think it's your
ass"....................... -100


Any other
response........................................... -20



COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned
expression.......................0

You listen, for over 30
minutes.......................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar
experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying:
"well, what do you think I should
do"........................... -50


You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV...+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen
asleep............. -200
One more: br br For thousands of years, men have ... (show quote)


:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
lmao!!!!!

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 05:27:54   #
lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas
 
ginnyt wrote:
I am bored, so I have found somethings that made me laugh, I thought I would share them.

More than 600 people in California wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this s**m made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you i***t!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Sacramento, Ca, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
I am bored, so I have found somethings that made m... (show quote)


Hahaha! Those are good one's! I hope you didn't lose too much money on your Mars trip. :lol: BTW, did the police find the dudes brain? I believe his behavior proved that it WAS missing.

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 07:12:51   #
Patty
 
"I recently asked my friends' little
girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be
President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing
there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless
people.'

Her parents beamed with
p***e.

"Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't
have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you
$50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house.




She thought that over
for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why
doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay
him the $50? '


I said, 'Welcome to
the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to
me. "

Reply
Mar 12, 2014 07:29:49   #
stan3186
 
Patty wrote:
"I recently asked my friends' little
girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be
President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing
there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless
people.'

Her parents beamed with
p***e.

"Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't
have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you
$50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house.




She thought that over
for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why
doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay
him the $50? '


I said, 'Welcome to
the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to
me. "
"I recently asked my friends' little br girl... (show quote)


:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Reply
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