Jokes about Texas
Feb 17, 2014 00:37:11 #
When I lived in Montana this six and a half foot tall loudmouth from Texas got a job in town, all he did was brag about Texas. One day he dropped dead of a heart attack. At the undertakers the morticians assistant was worried because the biggest coffin they had was only 6 feet tall voicing his concern to the undertaker he was supprised when the man was not concerned, asked what he should do to fit the huge man in an undersized coffin the undertaker replied "he's a Texan, just give him an enema and put him in a shoebox."
Do any of you have funny jokes about Texas and Texans? my Brother in Law is from Texas and I love to give him a good ribbing.
Do any of you have funny jokes about Texas and Texans? my Brother in Law is from Texas and I love to give him a good ribbing.
Feb 17, 2014 06:26:29 #
Awww, Kevyn......being 71, I've just about heard 'em all. BUT......thought you might enjoy a few I found about YOUR beloved state.....that, perhaps, you had not heard before. Enjoy!
Short Montana Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a Montana State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q. Why do ducks fly over Montana upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Montana?
A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Montana?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why do folks from Montana go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.
Q: Why did Montana raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Q: How can you tell if someone in Montana is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: Why do Montana State grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Montana campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Montana library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Montana's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Montana State student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many University of Montana State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: If you have a car containing a Grizzlies wide receiver, a Grizzlies linebacker, and a Grizzlies defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Montana?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Montana Grizzlies fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Why do Montana students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Montana Grizzlies campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Montana?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Montana football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Montana Grizzlies fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Montana?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Montana Grizzly die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Montana virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to Montana?
A: Rejects from Colorado!
Q: What do Montana and Utah students have in common?
A: They both got in to Montana
Q: What's the difference between an Montana football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Montana's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Montana Grizzlies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps dont burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a Montana Grizzlies life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Montana native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Montana have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Montana?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Montana girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What did the Montana female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Montana?
A: No one would look for them.
Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Montana decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Montana redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Sheep Coitus
A man from Texas and a Montana man were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas man slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas man said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Montana man, "Your turn"...
And the Montana man bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Common Lies
They say the three commonest lies in Montana are
1. Yup, this here pick up's paid for.
2. Yup, I won this here belt buckle at a rodeo in high school.
3. Honest officer, I was only helping this here sheep over the fence
Short Montana Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a Montana State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q. Why do ducks fly over Montana upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Montana?
A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Montana?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why do folks from Montana go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.
Q: Why did Montana raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Q: How can you tell if someone in Montana is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: Why do Montana State grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Montana campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Montana library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Montana's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Montana State student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many University of Montana State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: If you have a car containing a Grizzlies wide receiver, a Grizzlies linebacker, and a Grizzlies defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Montana?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Montana Grizzlies fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Why do Montana students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Montana Grizzlies campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Montana?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Montana football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Montana Grizzlies fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Montana?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Montana Grizzly die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Montana virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to Montana?
A: Rejects from Colorado!
Q: What do Montana and Utah students have in common?
A: They both got in to Montana
Q: What's the difference between an Montana football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Montana's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Montana Grizzlies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps dont burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a Montana Grizzlies life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Montana native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Montana have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Montana?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Montana girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What did the Montana female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Montana?
A: No one would look for them.
Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Montana decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Montana redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Sheep Coitus
A man from Texas and a Montana man were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas man slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas man said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Montana man, "Your turn"...
And the Montana man bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Common Lies
They say the three commonest lies in Montana are
1. Yup, this here pick up's paid for.
2. Yup, I won this here belt buckle at a rodeo in high school.
3. Honest officer, I was only helping this here sheep over the fence
Feb 17, 2014 08:07:00 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
The Trouble with Texas is ther are too many Texans
oldladyfromwaco wrote:
Awww, Kevyn......being 71, I've just about heard '... (show quote)
Feb 17, 2014 08:32:49 #
You are ABSOLUTELY right....especially since a good portion of the US is moving here....as we are 2nd in population growth....and second in gross product behind North Dakota....and we're both fueled in this growth by oil, gas, and natural resources, INCLUDING millions of wonderful, intelligent, energetic and eager to work AMERICANS...most, at this time in history, who have MOVED here for ALL the opportunities.
Jealousy is a green-eyed monster.....accomplishing nothing but hatred. Try something better....as just pure negativity based on that is nothing but a bottomless pit.
Jealousy is a green-eyed monster.....accomplishing nothing but hatred. Try something better....as just pure negativity based on that is nothing but a bottomless pit.
fom wrote:
The Trouble with Texas is ther are too many Texans
Feb 17, 2014 08:34:17 #
It's so much better to all just get along, but some cannot abide any vestige of that....or peace
Feb 17, 2014 08:36:31 #
Might add, I wish they'd ALL go home. It's becoming too crowded and the traffic's terrible in some places.....and, golly, around the oil and gas fields, there's virtually no place to reside....since so many have come to this state.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL day....it's about 65 degrees here, sun shining....beautiful....profitable....and my home. But....tornado season is approaching...and we haven't had a good one in a long while in this locale....we're due. Good and bad with everything, isn't there........especially including opinions.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL day....it's about 65 degrees here, sun shining....beautiful....profitable....and my home. But....tornado season is approaching...and we haven't had a good one in a long while in this locale....we're due. Good and bad with everything, isn't there........especially including opinions.
Feb 17, 2014 09:54:03 #
A northerner was visiting a Texas Ranch so the rancher took him out to a corner post and bragged it takes me all day in my pickup to get to my south east corner post then another day to drive to my south west corner post then another day to drive to my north west corner then another day to get back here !
So what do you think of that asked the rancher ?
Yea I had a truck like that once :lol:
So what do you think of that asked the rancher ?
Yea I had a truck like that once :lol:
Feb 17, 2014 10:05:31 #
Floyd Brown
Loc: Milwaukee WI
oldladyfromwaco wrote:
Awww, Kevyn......being 71, I've just about heard '... (show quote)
So you just replace Texas with Montana. Now you can say I have told all of the Montana jokes.
Feb 17, 2014 10:36:23 #
fom wrote:
The Trouble with Texas is ther are too many Texans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, there are several reasons for this:
1. Born Texan, ALWAYS Texan
2. No Texas governor has ever said that any group of people were not welcomed in his state.
3. Texas is a right to work state.
4. Many people are flocking to Texas, primarily for jobs, to escape state income taxes, and for the weather.
5. People who carp about Texans bragging about Texas are merely jealous that they don't have a state they love like most Texans love Texas.
Do Texans get mad about Texas jokes? Heck NO. Why should anyone get testy about someone having fun while costing no one a single penny? Probably half the jokes about Texas were originated in Texas by a native born Texan.
Have a great day.
Feb 17, 2014 10:37:04 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
You are a very wise and aware person. A credit to Texas and all Americans
oldladyfromwaco wrote:
You are ABSOLUTELY right....especially since a goo... (show quote)
Feb 17, 2014 10:39:33 #
oldladyfromwaco wrote:
Awww, Kevyn......being 71, I've just about heard 'em all. BUT......thought you might enjoy a few I found about YOUR beloved state.....that, perhaps, you had not heard before. Enjoy!
Short Montana Jokes
Short Montana Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are hilarious! Too, too funny. Thanks for starting my day off with a belly laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Feb 17, 2014 10:47:44 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
Tasine wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are hilarious! Too, too funny. Thanks for starting my day off with a belly laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:
These are hilarious! Too, too funny. Thanks for starting my day off with a belly laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:
I agree! Being native Texan, and currently retired in my home state, I can honestly say we possess a great sense of humor. We are used to being the brunt of many jokes...stoked by jealousy and envy of our Great State.
I am not 6'4", a cowboy, nor an oil-man. We Texans are as diverse as our topography & weather. And, if you don't like our weather, wait 5 minutess...it'll change before your eyes! :wink: :mrgreen:
Feb 17, 2014 11:04:10 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
Hey thanks for the insight. The raincoat is the official jacket of Oregon.
Tasine wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ br Well, there are sever... (show quote)
Feb 17, 2014 11:14:06 #
ROFL....and that's hard for an old lady needing two knee replacements.....
4430 wrote:
A northerner was visiting a Texas Ranch so the rancher took him out to a corner post and bragged it takes me all day in my pickup to get to my south east corner post then another day to drive to my south west corner post then another day to drive to my north west corner then another day to get back here !
So what do you think of that asked the rancher ?
Yea I had a truck like that once :lol:
So what do you think of that asked the rancher ?
Yea I had a truck like that once :lol:
Feb 17, 2014 11:18:13 #
oldladyfromwaco wrote:
ROFL....and that's hard for an old lady needing two knee replacements.....
8-) Hope all goes well for ya I had my left knee replaced Nov 26 2013 doing pretty good still have some small issues but getting there Dr says I need more patience :lol:
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