1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: /"Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: /"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"/ Hubby looks her up and down and replies: /"Your sense of humor!"/ .......(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 pm. to 6:00 pm.)
6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 pm. till 8:30 pm.)
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 . I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's now serve breakfast all day.
9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: /"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"/ I replied:/"Oh, so now you want me to stay!"/
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: /"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"/ The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress ... (show quote)
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
When US government decrees that all Americans must have their thumbs amputated?
OK I was only kinda giggling until I saw that. Now you owe me a new keyboard. I just spilled beer over mine. Also, take a 5-minute posting ban for being a royal dumbass. Where do you dream this stuff up from? Seriously, what color is the sky on your planet? I'd really like to know.
Can you imagine how G. Cantor felt, after showing that the number of even numbers equaled the number of odd numbers equaled the number of all integers, (equal to infinity), then finding out that there were more real numbers than that?
He was in an institution for awhile.
There was a young fellow from Trinity Who took the square root of infinity But the number of digits Gave him the fidgets; He dropped Math and took up Divinity.
From "One, Two, Three,,,Infinity" by George Gamow
Can you imagine how G. Cantor felt, after showing ... (show quote)
Well, we all know that the square root of infinity is infinity. Has to be because the only way to reach infinity is to multiply something by infinity, therefore infinity squared equals infinity. But what happens if you multiply infinity by zero?