pafret Loc: Northeast

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: /"Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: /"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"/ Hubby looks her up and down and replies: /"Your sense of humor!"/ .......(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 pm. to 6:00 pm.)

6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 pm. till 8:30 pm.)

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 . I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's now serve breakfast all day.

9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: /"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"/ I replied:/"Oh, so now you want me to stay!"/

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: /"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"/ The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Loki Loc: Georgia

Years ago, someone asked me if I had lived in New Mexico my whole life, to which I replied; "not yet."

Alicia Loc: NYC

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Great listing. Brought forward a few belly laughs. Thanks.

sisboombaa

Great jokes, before anyone jumps to the conclusions I may be sexist, I know the twist between the sexes could be reversed. To survive in this world we all, men and women, need a sense of humor.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

A man leaves the house to go to the store. Before leaving, he tells his wife where he's going. He fails to return home and next morning his body is found in some bushes. Who was the last person to see him alive?

sisboombaa

He himself.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Bzzzzzt! Incorrect! There were no mirrors. You get two more tries...

mongo Loc: TEXAS

The murderer.

SEMPER FI

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Ding! You are correct! Congratulations, Mongo, you win a cookie.

sisboombaa

Not fair, only two more tries? Also, nowhere did the question state he was killed by another. He may have died by heart attack, stroke, etc.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Very good, now go back to the question and you still have 2 guesses remaining. If you get the next one wrong, I'll give you a hint for the last guess.

sisboombaa

No way, I quit if the first prize is one lonely cookie.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Ah! But what a cookie!

THUNDERBOLT

Does this count?
Thunderbolt