Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Arresting Verse

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven...) The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

Cooking for Two

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

They Walk on Water

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21stbirthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their birthday cake.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny shook her head in disgust, looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

In a Minute

A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: " A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

(Drumroll, Please)

Now, for those who haven't wet themselves with laughter yet, here's a little bonus:

Husband Meets His Match

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice!

He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong.

And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."

Oooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!

badbobby Loc: texas

I had to change my avi

reconreb Loc: America / Inglis Fla.

Great stuff !!!!

bggamers Loc: georgia

I'm sorry but the best was the ax and 2 38's that was really funny

okie don

Agreed - ax & 2 38's good one.
Even my wife laughed Larry
😂

badbobby Loc: texas

my wife is blonde and ------

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

I guess she liked that last one then....