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Jan 8, 2017 10:52:53   #
Squiddiddler
 
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started with a chuckle! And with this,
I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.


WATER IN THE CARBURETOR...

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

STATISTIC;
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental
illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...


THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to
her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

HE MUST PAY...
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,

"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.

I am coming to live with you.

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...
and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
 
Jan 8, 2017 11:28:32   #
kankune (a regular here)
 
Squiddiddler wrote:
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started with a chuckle! And with this,
I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.


WATER IN THE CARBURETOR...

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

STATISTIC;
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental
illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...


THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to
her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

HE MUST PAY...
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,

"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.

I am coming to live with you.

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...
and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started ... (show quote)


Oh man...I can't believe u put such jokes on there about women. To you I say: those were great...brutal but great. Brought a smile to my face. : )
Jan 8, 2017 12:18:24   #
Quakerwidow
 
old, old, old
Jan 8, 2017 13:58:43   #
PoppaGringo
 
Quakerwidow wrote:
old, old, old


But great, great, great.
Jan 8, 2017 17:43:12   #
reconreb
 
Squiddiddler wrote:
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started with a chuckle! And with this,
I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.


WATER IN THE CARBURETOR...

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

STATISTIC;
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental
illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...


THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to
her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

HE MUST PAY...
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,

"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.

I am coming to live with you.

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...
and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started ... (show quote)


First time I ever heard these truths ahh,, jokes and I'm still
Jan 8, 2017 19:01:52   #
Larry the Legend (a regular here)
 
Squiddiddler wrote:
Husbands & Wives - Let's get the year started with a chuckle! And with this,
I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year... He laughed and laughed and laughed!


April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”


A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money, I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well”, the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”


Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

(Drumroll, Please!)
 
Jan 8, 2017 22:24:18   #
PoppaGringo
 
Larry the Legend wrote:
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”


A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money, I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well”, the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”


Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

(Drumroll, Please!)
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My ha... (show quote)


Drumroll.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Jan 8, 2017 22:38:57   #
kankune (a regular here)
 
Larry the Legend wrote:
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”


A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money, I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well”, the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”


Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

(Drumroll, Please!)
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My ha... (show quote)


Zing..... : )
Jan 9, 2017 05:46:08   #
Quakerwidow
 
Larry the Legend wrote:
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”


A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked.
“No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked.
Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.
“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money, I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well”, the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”


Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

(Drumroll, Please!)
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My ha... (show quote)


Now THESE are new and GOOD!
 
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