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General Chit-Chat (non-political talk)
Recovery For Web Addicts
(?)
If you would like to post a reply, then please login (if you already have an account) or register (if you don't).
Jan 8, 2017 08:04:30   #
Larry the Legend (a regular here)
 
The scourge of web addiction has been investigated and a 12-step program instituted for those in need of weaning from this terrible affliction:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. (Because comedy)

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon. (Awww, Mom!)

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. (Of course, this won't work, but I'll give it a try)

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. (And tell them to get an email address!)

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. (And tell them to get an email address!)

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how. (Yeah, an ebook)

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. (Then I'll buy them a pair of earbuds)

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. (Well, maybe a little)

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. (Step out, step in. Phew, glad that's over for another week)

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


The Night Watchman

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that we're missing 365 wheelbarrows?"



Cop's Toilet

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.


RIP

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

OK. One more and I'm done:

Words of Navajo Wisdom

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
 
Jan 8, 2017 08:07:41   #
Larry the Legend (a regular here)
 
The Wall

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"


Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

(Drumroll, please)
Jan 10, 2017 15:39:52   #
boatbob2 (a regular here)
 
A guy told a drunk,that his name was master James, the junk replied,you look just like a mas-tur- bater......
Jan 10, 2017 16:23:00   #
lindajoy (a regular here)
 
Larry the Legend wrote:
The scourge of web addiction has been investigated and a 12-step program instituted for those in need of weaning from this terrible affliction:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. (Because comedy)

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon. (Awww, Mom!)

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. (Of course, this won't work, but I'll give it a try)

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. (And tell them to get an email address!)

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. (And tell them to get an email address!)

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how. (Yeah, an ebook)

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. (Then I'll buy them a pair of earbuds)

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. (Well, maybe a little)

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. (Step out, step in. Phew, glad that's over for another week)

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


The Night Watchman

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that we're missing 365 wheelbarrows?"



Cop's Toilet

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.


RIP

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

OK. One more and I'm done:

Words of Navajo Wisdom

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
The scourge of web addiction has been investigated... (show quote)


Anyone who can't do all as explained, plus work, sending out reports etc should just stop now...lolol..
Loved em all...
 
          
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