Squiddiddler Loc: Phoenix

My wife said "Watcha doin' today?
I said "Nothing"
She said "You did that yesterday"
I said "I wasn't finished."

&

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

&

"You know why a woman's work is never done?"
"They don't get up early enough!"

&

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

&

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Bar with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

&

When you think about it. God has to be the best inventor of all time.
He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

&

I like long walks,
Especially when 'they' are taken them.

&

And then she asked "What's the best form of birth control after 50?"
I said "Nudity!"

&

Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience...
Turns out I just don't give sh*t!

&

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

&

Did you know that Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

&

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

&

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with good bourbon.

&

Now I ask you. "What kind of best friend would remove your testicles?"

&

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

&

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken!

&

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

&

My wife and I bought a new mattress yesterday and I heard her mumbling "this will be great for having sex on" - so I installed a hidden camera. I want to know who she's having sex with.

&

When I was at the gym the other day, I saw some idiot put a bottle of water in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
--------------------------------------------------------------

BOB HOPE



ON TURNING 70 
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
 
ON TURNING 80 
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
 
ON TURNING 90 
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
 
ON TURNING 100 
'I don't feel old. In fact,   I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
 
ON GOLF 
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
 
ON PRESIDENTS 
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'  
 
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER 
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'  
 
ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
 
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
 
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN 
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

Noraa Loc: Kansas

Thanks for the laugh!

reconreb Loc: America / Inglis Fla.

Do you know why women's feet are smaller than men's ,,,,, so they can stand closer to the stove !

Noraa Loc: Kansas

Do you know why blonde jokes are one liners? So men can understand them!!

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

Ditto.

wolffy

Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Cause they are ugly and stink. How many men does it take to clean a toilet? None, that's women's work. Why do women have periods? Cause they deserve them.

Tradition Loc: Staten Island, N.Y.

What do you call a midget fortune teller running from the police?

A small medium at large!!

popparod Loc: Somewhere else.

Know what a romantic Eskimo is?

A frigid midget with a rigid digit.

Noraa Loc: Kansas

Why are men like bananas? The older they get the less firm they are.
What do you call a man who lost all his intelligence? A widower.

Squiddiddler Loc: Phoenix

I don't know but i've been told Eskimo P***y is mighty cold.