Old Ladies at the Flower Show
Mar 4, 2018 10:43:45 #
Old Ladies at the Flower Show
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/6/1/9935ac2e-8cf9-4d8a-894c-0331ca94881b.jpg
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/6/1/6ba62670-a26b-44ff-baf4-73626604559f.jpg
"What happened?" asked Evelyn.
"I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'..."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2018/3/1/1f1edf81-a5d5-44ff-a7c1-b00ecb8baffd.jpg
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
The Memorial...
A man named Bill died. In his will, he asked for an elaborate funeral and his will allocated $100,000 dollars to cover its expenses.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Nancy turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Bill would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Nancy. "One hundred thousand."
"Oh no!!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $100,000?!!"
Nancy answered, "Well the funeral was $12,000. I donated $1,500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $1,500... and the rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Mary computed quickly.
"For the love of God, Nancy! $85,000 for a Memorial Stone?
HOW BIG IS IT?"
So Nancy showed her...
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http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2014/1/15/6c980117-cef3-48c1-8785-45d4f16724e0.png
The Young Priest Has Some Clever Ideas...
An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.
"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/10/26/8fdbc9c1-d19b-4c0f-9d00-97fee8e542ca.jpg
"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell cannot stay on the church roof."
Jack Paints the Church
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.
So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.
Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2018/2/23/fe09bde9-ba87-412c-9aca-ea4f6fbbd1ad.jpg
And so he started, erecting the scaffolds and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.
The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Golfer With a Problem
I Know you are a terrific analytical person,
so see if you can answer what her problem is. It seems obvious.
*Hello**oo**!!
Of course she can't see the ball;*
*Her glasses are on top of her head**.*
*You noticed that, right?
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/6/1/9935ac2e-8cf9-4d8a-894c-0331ca94881b.jpg
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/6/1/6ba62670-a26b-44ff-baf4-73626604559f.jpg
"What happened?" asked Evelyn.
"I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'..."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2018/3/1/1f1edf81-a5d5-44ff-a7c1-b00ecb8baffd.jpg
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
The Memorial...
A man named Bill died. In his will, he asked for an elaborate funeral and his will allocated $100,000 dollars to cover its expenses.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Nancy turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Bill would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Nancy. "One hundred thousand."
"Oh no!!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $100,000?!!"
Nancy answered, "Well the funeral was $12,000. I donated $1,500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $1,500... and the rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Mary computed quickly.
"For the love of God, Nancy! $85,000 for a Memorial Stone?
HOW BIG IS IT?"
So Nancy showed her...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2014/1/15/6c980117-cef3-48c1-8785-45d4f16724e0.png
The Young Priest Has Some Clever Ideas...
An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.
"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2016/10/26/8fdbc9c1-d19b-4c0f-9d00-97fee8e542ca.jpg
"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell cannot stay on the church roof."
Jack Paints the Church
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.
So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.
Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Images/2018/2/23/fe09bde9-ba87-412c-9aca-ea4f6fbbd1ad.jpg
And so he started, erecting the scaffolds and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.
The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Golfer With a Problem
I Know you are a terrific analytical person,
so see if you can answer what her problem is. It seems obvious.
*Hello**oo**!!
Of course she can't see the ball;*
*Her glasses are on top of her head**.*
*You noticed that, right?
Mar 4, 2018 10:52:50 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
pafret wrote:
Old Ladies at the Flower Show br Two little old la... (show quote)
So, now we see...once again...how you spend your free time.
Mar 4, 2018 11:36:59 #
pafret wrote:
Old Ladies at the Flower Show br Two little old la... (show quote)
They were all good especially that last one. Thanks.
Mar 5, 2018 06:15:01 #
bahmer wrote:
They were all good especially that last one. Thanks.
Yeah, I kinda doubt she needs glasses
Mar 5, 2018 08:46:27 #
Big dog wrote:
Yeah, I kinda doubt she needs glasses
Yeah she needs me behind her to help remove that obstacle that is blocking her vision. I could lift and separate them for her. I'm always ready to help a damsel in distress. After all that is the scouts motto to help those in need. She is in need as am I.
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