Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.

bggamers Loc: georgia

I still say they will never get to their virgins because Allah gets there first deflowers them then has to cut their heads off because they were impure and considered whores

sisboombaa

Will the bickering and the "give me, give me" attitudes never end between labor and management. Besides what is so great about a virgin. I myself much prefer a lady who has been around the block several times.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

I too find little girls more of an annoyance than anything, but a nice, mature, wholesome woman, now there's something to sink your teeth into, and no having to deal with the petty crap young women throw up. A good mature woman knows what she likes and isn't shy about getting it. (Oooooh, be right back...)

This whole 72 virgins thing is all a sham anyhow. Imagine this: You do the deed and martyr yourself in the name of Allah. You blew yourself to little pieces and took a whole bunch of infidels with you. You're dead - forever. No backsies, no mulligans, just dead. Forever. So far so good. You show up in heaven where Allah makes a big deal of you and awards you your 72 virgins. Sounds pretty good, right? So you get into your 72 virgins and 3 days later, no more virgins (OK, maybe 4 days, but let's face it, if you killed yourself for it, you must be pretty desperate). So now what? You still have eternity to go and no more virgins. How's that going to play out a million years later when you still have eternity to go and those virgins are completely worn out? Well, lets say you're smart about it and you only deflower one of your virgins every, say, 1000 years. After 72,000 years, you have no more virgins and you still have eternity to go. 100 million years from now, there you are, bored out of your skull with these 72 women who haven't been virgins in a very long time and you still have eternity to go. Not only that, but they're not really that 'into you' any more and Allah says you're slacking in the 'production' department. A billion years later and you're still stuck with these 72 nagging pains in the ass and you still have eternity to go.

Was it really worth it?

sisboombaa

Damn, I think you just described hell.

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

72 virgins, anyone? Allah is no fool, neither are the people manipulating the poor fools who buy into this 'reward'. You kill, you go to hell. You martyr yourself, you get 72 virgins that last about as long as the pleasure they provide. By the way, suicide is a sin in Islam, just like it is in the Christian world. In fact, committing suicide is one of the greatest sins that Islam banned. Committing suicide is a greater murder and sin than killing another person. Therefore ulama (scientists, knowers) even disputed whether the janazah prayer of a person who committed suicide could be performed or not. No kidding. So yeah, welcome to hell.