Squiddiddler Loc: Phoenix

Grin.
----------


These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

______________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

 ______________
 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his 
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

______________
 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a 
new attorney?

______________
 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

 ______________
 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant 
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school 
did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________
 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you 
check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you 
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
 practicing law.

proud republican Loc: RED CALIFORNIA

OMG!!! I just fell from chair laughing so hard!!!...No wonder people hate lawyers they are all brainless!!!

son of witless

I am sure one of those guys was my lawyer.

Squiddiddler Loc: Phoenix

These guy are probably on Capitol Hill plying their trade now.

son of witless

Could be, I haven't seen my lawyer around for awhile.

bggamers Loc: georgia

It's 7:30 am and I'm in tears I'm laughing so hard great way to start the morning thank you

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Hilarious

My Dad was an attorney...but, not one of these.

boatbob2

one time I was in court,(as a witness) and this lawyer asked me IF I paid taxes on my business,I told him,"unlike most lawyers, yes,I pay my taxes" the Judge almost had a heart attack from laughing,,,,

badbobby Loc: texas

sounds like a lot of our OPPers were on the stand

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Their names will be withheld to protect the guilty.

woodchuck

When presenting photos of the condition of the house my ex was living in with the kids, her atty asked me, "WHY did you take those pictures?" I replied, "Because I couldn't get anyone else to take them."
I could see the judge holding back a laugh.

badbobby Loc: texas

oh come now Slat
the guilty should pay

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I guess if you're willing to do so, you should.

badbobby Loc: texas

methinks I should be an exception

but the rest of em get the full treatment

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Sure as Hell ain't gon'na be me.